Last breath of air

So here I am, second day, second entry.

I find myself conflicting on just about everything I do.
My mind is split between the good and the bad
What's right and what's wrong

A part of me wants to be the good guy. To help everyone and anyone. To make a difference in the lives of others and to have a solid purpose.

But the other part, see's it all as a futile goal.
I want to help, but can't
I try to help, but fail
I help, but get nothing back for it.
It's like I don't exist anymore.

Lately I've been increasing my efforts to help others; volunteering, being chivalrous, helping others on assignments, socializing more, and just trying to actually present myself as a good person.

I've started talking to Devon for the first time since freshman year and I've been talking to a girl named Katie from my JROTC class trying to get to know her better. I've also begun talking to Krystina and Jordan again.
But in the back of my mind I know that all this is simply the last gasp of air before the plunge. Before I completely break down.

It's just a matter of time and events.

Who knows what will happen.

That's what I have for now.
Goodnight.
-Rafael