I have to stop, everything.

I have to.
I'm letting myself be compromised
I'm not supposed to feel this human
I'm above this

I can't remember when, I try not to remember it, but it was less than a week ago.
I was meditating, trying to eliminate any trace of doubt and pain from my mind, body, and soul.
I haven't mentioned much about my meditation but basically, when I start, I'm in a trance-like state.
But this time something snapped.
Something wants out of me
Something wants to get out
I felt anger, an emotion I spent so long trying to overcome
I felt a flood of pain
A flood of past memories
It took every fiber of my being trying to keep it locked down
But parts of it leaked out
I was texting AshLee when it happened
I had to end my conversation with her before anything came out
Before I said anything to ruin our friendship again, like I did so long ago

I don't know what this thing is
I just know it's been locked up for a long time
And now it's trying to get out.

This is why I'm here.

I'd like to think I exist for a reason.

That the life I'm in

The life I've chosen to live

Is meant to help others

And although I may be used

And my kindness abused

And I may lose the girl

And I may get hurt

And although this life isn't going to be easy

It's still worth it

So as long as someone wants my help

And as long as someone needs it

I'll always be around.

You know where to find me

Death Tastes Like Water

Me and a couple of my friends and their families went out boating at the lake.
Two of my friends went on the inner tube and took it for a spin around the water.
They know that I don't know how to swim but they were able to coax me into getting inside the tube. This of course, was not my first time going out and doing this, we had done it before last summer.

The main difference this time was that we were gonna have 3 people on the tube rather than the normal 2. (It's a big 3 person tube)

So I got on, sat in the middle with my friends at each side, gripped the handles tight and my friends dad started pulling the tube slowly (they didn't want to scare me or make me fall off)

As soon as the tube starts moving forward something goes wrong....
The front end of the tube starts going and taking in water.

I blink and the next thing I see is the rope attached to the tube breaking, the tube flipping over on top of me.
My body sank into the water, everything went dark, and all I could hear was people yelling and screaming "Where's Rafael"
In that moment time slowed dramatically, I saw a glimmer of light at the surface at the water from the sun, my hand reached out for something, anything to hold on to, my heart went numb, and my mind went blank.The next time I blinked I found myself clasped to the tube with both my arms, my left shoulder dislocated from the flip, and my lungs got a gasp of air.

My friends saw me emerge from the water and grabbed onto me, and started to pull me towards the boat, tube and all. (My arms were clasped strongly to the tube, I wouldn't let go) I was able to pop my shoulder back in place while they pulled me.

So here I am now, back on solid ground, alive, breathing, shoulder hurting, but none the less okay.

I have no way of describing what or how I feel right now..

Finally Home

I stayed with AshLee for a week.

And a crazy week it was.

I was able to get a sense of peace while I was there.
I was able to get a change of scenery and routine
I was able to realize more about myself and my life
I was able to help out an old friend while I was there (Her name is Ivory)
I was able to talk to new people and cam with them too
I was able to get a bit closer to AshLee
Helped her catch a Camel Spider (Named Malboro):]
Helped her buy her first pelt :D
And had fun every step of the way

Thanks for putting up with me for a week.
We'll have to do it again some other time.

-Rafael

This feels like love...

And I love it.

I got much closer to Tiffany (a girl from a website I'm currently on) today.
I talked to her for an hour and a half (I know, not long but I don't normally talk for that long on the phone) and am still texting her as I write this.
I miss that feeling of having someone to talk to on the phone.
Someone that likes you, always compliments you.
Someone you're not afraid to be you with.


But the voice in the back of my head knows things like this don't last.
It's happened before...
But my god the way I feel right now makes it feel like it'll all be worth it.

To have that human companionship, that relationship with someone that likes you for you.

I hope this goes well.

At least I'll feel love again.

Just got to keep at it.

So I hung out with AshLee yesterday, hanging out with her always reminds me of how much one-on-one with people works out so much better. Less complications, less issues, more personal time.

On a different note however, hanging out with her reminds me of how much I need to work on in order to be 'functional' around the opposite sex. I'm too calm and reserved around women and that creates problems for me.

I want to hold your hand
Want to be right next to you
Hold you

I have to be more open, more aggressive.
I just need to do more

Just gotta keep at it I guess...

My heart aches for one thing

Human companionship...

This is probably one of my calmer entries...

I'm doing okay now.
My memory of what happened is slowly numbing away.

I'm hoping that things can begin to brighten up now.

I might be hanging out with AshLee sometime within the next few weeks which I'm looking forward to.

I'm leaving for California in the first week of August for a wedding.

And the last few weeks of summer are going to be spent spending time with the people that I care about, and that care about me.

Though things are looking bright I know like everything it'll all be short lived but for now, I'm going to enjoy it to the fullest of my abilities.

I love you.

-Rafael