I find myself...

thinking about everything now.

Every little detail and even the big picture
And I realize...

How alone I've been and felt in this life and how despite that, I manage to hold on.
For what? I don't entirely know. But I still hang on the edge, hands bruised and beaten trying to hold on.

But what I do know is I feel like shit, dirt, garbage, filth, etc.
When I can't help.
When I can't be there for someone
When I'm just taking space
When I'm just disposable to people... as soon as someone better shows up, I'm nothing.

I hate it, so much when I see someone suffering or sad.
I keep finding myself just staring and yelling at myself 'Go over there, hold her, hug her, do something other than just sit there, do something'

And I can't, I'm so closed off that I can't do anything.
So much love has gone missing in my life that I don't even know how to show it.
All I have are words, that's it.

Just words...

-Rafael