The memory still haunts me...

I could've done something.
I could've prevented it from happening.
Why do I keep screwing up?
Why am I stuck suffering like this?

I need a place to find peace.
Away from here.
Away from all these people.

No one here is worth staying for.
Not even my own family.
I need something
Anything

To get me out of this place.

I've lost my faith in people

That's it, it's over.
My friendships are over.
Not for what I've done, but for what I failed to do long ago.

My two best friends, who have screwed up time and time again went too far. They had a threesome with one of my friends, one of THEIR friends. That is the stupidest shit I've ever heard of friends doing.

I put too much time, too much of my fucking life into others.

Why is it so hard to leave this shit hole?

I have fallen

It makes no difference now.
Live or die.
Good or bad.
There's no point.

Any decision I make fails, one way or another.

Today, I chose between going out with my friends for a birthday or going out with a friend for her graduation.

I knew, no matter what I chose I would end up disappointed.

I still mean nothing, to anyone. I don't know how much I can take.

The same thing keeps going through my mind over and over again.
What's the point?

I'm still trying to figure all this out.

Why must it be like this?

Someone take me away....

I'm struggling to find the point...

Why am I this way?
And why can't I get rid of these demons...

I'm surrounded by walls.
I put them up to protect me, not just from outside pain but from my own pain.
And too many times I let those walls down to help others, to try and see the face of good. To see a good deed go rewarded and a bad one punished. But instead I see the face bad far too often, to the point where no good can balance it out.

It's all chaos.

But when I put my walls up I'm faced with an equally disturbing problem: Myself

I'm split in two, in everything. Every decision I'm faced with.
Though most see the good part of me, there is still a bad part, the monster I'm stuck with.
It was made as my defense, a back up for the walls of mine that crumbled so long ago, and now I'm struggling to get rid of it.

I can't cope with seeing any more of this. I can hardly take it.

The best thing I have to help is my music...
Artist: Red
Album: Innocence and Instinct
The album meant to help cope with the fight inside that we face. For the people with their own personal monster.
Like me.

I miss you so damn much

Bottled Up

I have too many repressed feelings, too many ideas held back.
I want to let everything out, everything.
But I can't.
The people I'm surrounded by are idiots, all of them. But they still hold some stupid spot in my heart and life.

I can't bear to let them see my weakness, to see me break.
But I also can't bear just keeping my mouth shut and taking in all the stupid decisions and words.

I'm breaking in every way imaginable and nothings stopping it. Everything's acting as a catalyst.

I'm filled with dreams of just being with one person, one person that isn't stupid, that likes me, that won't abuse my kindness, that will respect me and the kind of person I am. But my dreams are constantly short lived.

I want an escape so bad, I need something, anything, to get me out of this.