It feels like a long time

Since I've blogged.
Things have gotten significantly better since my last entry
Though problems still exist, I once again have a new way to cope and deal with them.

I miss AshLee though,
and I miss drekly, or more so, I miss the people on it.

I currently have no love interests, no one I'd like to be with, and it's a bit relieving
I'm still looking though, this time being more reserved than I have in the past.

I want someone, so badly, that I blindly go into confrontations with people I've only just met.

On a different note however, I've started writing again, finished one poem out of the three I am currently working on. I'll hopefully feature this one on my drekly profile when I get on it again and the banner is finished.
Well, here it is...

Title: The Mutes Promise

Through all the pain I see
And all that I see with pain
I will not break this silence

Through every heart broken
And every broken heart
I will not break this silence

Through all the bittersweet moments
And all the moments that will become bittersweet
I will not break this silence

Through all the people I couldn't help
And all the help people never gave
I will not break this silence

Through all the suffering that has been endured
And all that I must endure through suffering
I will not break this silence

Through all the sweet lies
And all the lies that that weren't so sweet
I will not break this silence

Through all the meaningless words
And the words that have yet to obtain meaning
I will not break this silence

Through all I've kept with this silence
And all that this silence has kept
I know one thing is certain

I will not break this silence
This silence will break me

I no longer have a reason

To live
Or a person to live for.

For the love of god, please give me a reason to live.

Well, I'm leaving for California soon

Going to be gone for 10 days
It will be filled with sun, food, family, and love
Hopefully it will be without any drama or pain
This is not my escape from my problems
But my moment to attack them head on without interference

Me and Taylor are getting along well, although the thought is still in the back of my mind that she is just toying with me
A part of me is getting attached and views her as a possible new girlfriend, one that will actually last longer than my past ones.
A part of me thinks that this is all just a game and I'm be used
And another part of me simply views this as a mutual form of entertainment, a daily boost of morale in a life that never gets enough.

It's hard to tell what side is right
But I still feel good
I still feel happy

I found out Malboro died today though, which made me hurt for some reason.
I can only imagine how AshLee may feel.

Well, I guess this is goodbye for now

See you on the bottom,
Whenever I manage to reach it

-Rafael

Hopefully

With my trip to California I'll be able to finally get myself together.
I've got plans; good plans for my future and I have the means to achieve them.
I've got ideas; some of the best I've had in a while.
I'm going to try writing poetry again

Suddenly,
It doesn't feel like I'm surrounded by such a heavy mist now.
It feels like...
I can see more now
I can feel more now
And I can do more now

This is the start of a new chapter
And by god, I'm going to give it my all
Regardless of what may come

I may have been thrown out of a plane with a parachute on my back
But I'm not going to use it
Because I'm going to spread my wings

And fly.

Though I'm exhausted

And I have to go to work in about 4 hours.
I'll write.

After my week with AshLee
When the bitterness I had for myself over the way I changed my mind over Tiffany had seemed to be disappearing.
I met someone new
Her name is Taylor Ashley Miller (AKA Totty Lovah) or at least that's how I believe it's spelled
She came up the same way Tiffany did.
And our relationship went the same way me and Tiffany's did.
Taylor messaged me on Drekly out of the blue
Told me she liked me
And just like me and Tiffany, it started on Drekly, moved to MSN, then to text, and now to phone.

Tiffany told me that this girl was known for getting what she wanted and who she wanted
And by the blog of hers that I read, I assumed that it was true.

But I was stupid.
Told myself that I wouldn't get attached to this girl
That I would go along with what she was saying to find my own beliefs in the matter
But I fell, like an idiot, I fell.
And it hurt Tiffany
And when I came to a realization of how fucked up I was
How screwed up this existence was
I wanted to be off the face of the earth

But she came out of the blue, like before
Told me she cared about me
Told me she didn't want to lose me
And I felt it to be true

God help me.