I can't...

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Dammit, why!?

My Doubts

Are the poison of my life.

I hate them...
and how they creep in and out of my mind.

I constantly feel like I amount to nothing,
Or that what I do isn't up to the standards that I want others to notice.

I feel replaceable to her, and my doubts view that as possible.

I hate crying...
Why am I so weak...

-Rafael

I never thought

I'd try this hard to impress someone.
Though some is for my own sake and knowledge,
She's pushing me to better the person that I am.
Or at least to add more to myself rather than have my time wasted on people who throw my help away.

I'm tediously trying to learn how to play the guitar, or at least one instrument.
It's becoming quite difficult but I hope I can have the patience to do it.
Though I wish I could get some help on it.

I'm also trying to work out now, to lose some of this weight that I bear inside me.
Lastly, I'm attempting to get my permit this coming week, with any luck.

I want to be better for her, but I realize that I'm also doing it to better myself.
And help me cope with my personal monster.

I hope I can make this...
I hope I can be better...

-Rafael

Suddenly...

I don't feel so invisible.
And it feels... good.

Here I stand

After a night of tears and doubts.
Pain and suffering.
I'm here.

Constant lines running through my head:
"She's going to leave, they always leave"
"I'm going to try to be better for you... going try and fail..."
"I'm not good enough"
"You're an idiot"

They're all just doubts.
I don't want to keep getting hurt,
But I also don't want to be alone.

Seems I'm weighing the wrong options...

-Rafael

Today simply

Leaves me with a hole in my chest, or rather, a feeling in my chest of emptiness.

I hold her in my arms, so briefly it seems, to have her leave.
To have my hands empty and my arms hollow.

I really need someone here...

It's been 4 days

Since I blogged last, I'm kind of surprised.

Things seem... good. For now at least.
And I admit, it's nice having some personal peace.

I met Ivory's parents last night at a play in her church.
Her mom seemed kind, as well as her sisters, though her father seemed like the most domineering and intimidating one.
He's the one I know I have to prove myself to.

They seem accepting of me and hers relationship, which has taken a huge strain off of me.
At least now I know that if she decides to leave, it's by her own free will and no one elses.

My plans for this Christmas break I hope involve me being able to see her at least once or twice more. I want to kiss her again.

I'm also hoping that I see AshLee, I more than likely will it seems.
Would really like to talk to her about things.

Well, hopefully see you in less than 4 days blog.
Till next time,

-Rafael

3 months

Honestly never thought we'd make it this far.
But I'm glad we did.

Here's to you,
The girl I love,

-Rafael
How does one show love anyway?

Damn this hollow feeling

I don't know what it is that's making me feel this way.

I just feel... empty.
I can't fill this void.
And I don't know why it's there to begin with.

What did I lose to make me feel this way?
I'm going crazy and I don't know why.

Dammit.
I'm tired of the insanity...

-Rafael

Sex

My simple view on it,
I don't really want it or feel as though I need it.

I don't want to be in a relationship where I need to have sex with someone in order to prove that I love them...
Because in all honesty, though I realize that sex is an aspect of a relationship, I don't want it to be the deciding factor of how I feel toward someone.
I don't think I can do anything with it.
Don't think I was ever really meant to...

A hole lies in my chest on this night,
My arms cradle me because they cannot wrap themselves around anyone else.
Warm tears role down my face.
My head mopes down.

Keep going,
You have to...

-Rafael

It's Late

And I can't sleep.
So much going through my head and not enough words to write down to describe it all.

It's all flowing in the wind now, everything.
But ending my analyzing I am now at the mercy of fate and destiny.
Things that I've already set up.

I clutch my pillow, wishing it was her.

Give me a reason to fight and I'll hold on to that reason until it kills me...

-Rafael

Or until I let it die...

Split

I'm getting attached her, though...
It's a different kind of attachment than before.
Than I've had to anyone in the past.

I'm afraid to get close, to let the strings of my heart get attached.
But at same time... I want it. I want her, I want to be with her,
I can see my life with her, and though it's not an easy life, it's one that I know I can be happy in.
A life that I can truly live.

I've changed a lot in the past month and I hope that it's a good change...

I love you Ivory,
And it terrifies me.

-Rafael

Another Dream worthy of writing down..

I'm walking around Centennial Park with Ivory and a group of her friends.
We walk, laughter and mindless chatter ensues while I walk along side her group of friends.
I'm separated from her by one person.

They bring up something about her, they say she's in debt to a lot of people.
I ask what she's in debt of.
The group goes quiet for a brief moment.
Her friend next to me says that she knows a few things but she doesn't know if she can say them to me.
I look at Ivory, and her eyes are red and watered.
I take a step forward as she begins to walk toward one of her friends, looking to rest her head on their shoulders. She sees that I've walked forward to try and comfort her and quickly alters her route from her friend to me.
She wraps her arms around me and cries into my shoulders,
She mumbles, words I can't remember or understand.
I hug her harder


And then I wake up.

-Rafael...

:/

I can't shake this pain that resides in my chest.
I hate the remnants of the old me,
And how the new me is still so caring and attached.

I don't want to love, but I know I need to, regardless of the pain it causes me.

Is it really that much to ask for someone to be there for you each and every day,
That you can trust and hold on to,
Without questioning how they feel about you,
Or whether they lie or hide behind a wall all the time.

I wish for so little and yet it means so much to me.

Please, I just want love.

-Rafael

My Heart

I don't fully understand it.

I can't differentiate between emotion and logic sometimes.
Am I feeling this because I truly do feel it, or is my mind making me feel it.

3 people, 3 people that I can't let go of,
AshLee
Ivory
Melanie

3 people I can't bear to lose.

I'm so exhausted...
-Rafael

Post #100

Quotes that I wrote today...

"To fight for love is to spend your entire life in battle."

"Let go of love and you'll find that you can't hold on to anything else."

"I didn't want to love... I needed to."


-Rafael.

p.s. "Never lose sight of your dreams, unless your blind, then it's okay."

Post #99

How she does this to me, I don't know.

I find it so strange, how no matter how much she may upset me during the course of my day, as soon as I see her, a part of me lights up. No matter how bad the day, or how much bothers me, just that one brief moment I get with her when I kiss her makes everything calm again.

I find a small ache inside my heart every time I part from her.

A part of me doesn't want to get close. The part that see's her actions as false. The part of me that thinks I don't mean anything to her. That I'm just a fill-in in her life. That everything I give lacks meaning. That when we kiss, it's just out of habit, not out of any meaning.

But another part, the small flame in me, see something hidden in her. A special kind of potential that I have yet to see in any other person. The part of me that sees the person she may become and loves it. The part of me that senses that maybe I do mean something special, maybe I do hold a special place in her heart and in her mind.

I'm prepared for whatever side to be right,
But I truly hope I mean something...

I want to hope again.

-Rafael

I'm not sure what it is that's going through my head right now.
This entire weekend, all I've been thinking about is Ivory.
I can't go a minute without thinking about her and it's... almost scary.
The past few days she's been in my dreams as well..

I hate the empty feeling I get when I'm not around her,
And spending so little time with her.
It's not enough..

Some stupid part of me feels like I'm not good enough...

I hate that feeling.

-Rafael

There is...

A new kind of motivation that resonates in me now.

It's strange.

I don't feel like I can accomplish everything,
But I do feel like I can accomplish the right things.

I'm going to try to do things right...

I'm going to try to change myself,
Physically, mentally, spiritually.

To make it through life's hurdles.

I'm going to forge a bond to the people I want to keep in my life.
And strengthen those that already exist.

Here's to you AshLee.
Here's to you Ivory.

Let's get this done.

-Rafael

And by the way...

Goodbye November, Hello December.
:)

Next Day

Though it was a little harder to go through,
It was still good.

My heart still feels pain,
I can't shake it as much as I'd like to,
But I'm getting by, slowly but surely.

I'm getting back on track now,
I can see my future clearly and I'm not going to let it out of my sight again.

I will keep going!

-Rafael