Every song..

Every damn song reminds me of you now..
Music was the last thing I could find comfort in and I can't get it...

I'm starting to drink again.. just hoping.. praying.. that I can get you out of my head.
Hoping, praying, that you aren't seeing another guys face while I'm lying awake in bed..
Hoping, praying, that I can have you in my arms and yet..
I'm hoping and praying for something that probably won't come to pass..

I need to snap out of this.. I need to be stronger than this...

One Last Thing...

For the night.
There's a song I don't ever want to forget,

Terrible Things by Mayday Parade.

This song reminds me the most of you and reminds me of the pain I would feel losing you forever...
Maybe I already have..

I love you,
Even if you don't realize it....

-Rafael

It sucks,

Quite honestly without you..
I know you probably won't ever see any of this and it brings tears into my eyes..
You'll move on, find a better guy.. one that makes you laugh, that your parents like having over. A good looking guy that makes you feel worth it. Makes you feel like the most beautiful girl in the world. A guy that reminds you everyday that he loves you and that will take you for better or worse. A guy that won't give up unless he's with you for the rest of his life.

I wish I didn't cry like this, I wish that not loving someone was easy.. but it's not..

God please...
Just be kind to my heart...

-Rafael

I really wish...

I could get her out of my mind.. out of my heart. I keep holding back my tears around people but as soon as there is no one around it all comes out. Every aching piece of me wants to be with her again but I know nothing I do can make things right. It's my own damn fault, I had something good, something to live for, someone to live for...

Dammit I miss her,
Dammit I screwed up...

These tears roll down my face and then suddenly stop, the more I stay in this sorrow the more it's going to tear me apart..
The conflict I have within myself is unbearable..

Wherever you are,
Know I'm missing you...

-Rafael

Time

It's been a long time and a lot has happened...

Me and Ivory are broken up now by her choice.
September 16, 2010 - May 26, 2011
8 months I'll always remember.
This new dog tag around my neck is a reminder to Never Forget what I was willing to go through for someone that I truly loved.
Someone that I still love, even now.

It took me 2 years to get over a 1 day relationship, God knows how long this one will stay with me.
I blame myself more than I blame her. I was blinded by my own fears and insecurities, things that she shouldn't have had to deal with.
And yet, I wish she would've....
Just started to cry again..
I keep telling myself to man up and forget about her, to be like every other heartless guy out there.. And in that I realize what turns so many guys into assholes.. Pain and the sensation of actually losing your heart leaves you heartless and devoid of pain..

I'm split in two, the old me and the part of me that constantly wants to change. I want to be heartless and mean but I don't want to be heartless and mean...

I need another escape so that I can face my problems again.

God help me by helping her,
Then I can help myself...

-Rafael