I'm constantly reminded of how much I hate people

All of this is getting ridiculous. I'm tired of taking everyone's crap, listening everyone's complaining.
At least the reader's of this blog can choose to read this, I'm not shoving any of this in your face.
I on the other hand, lack that luxury.
I am angry to the brink of screaming right now.
I'm tired of all these people, I can't escape them, I can't get a break.
I'm sick of all the lies, the false emotions, the back stabbing, and the constant annoyances.
It's all become too predictable.

I have 3 more weeks of school left and even when school is done I feel like I won't be able to escape them all.
I don't want to see anyone, not even my own family. I want peace, is that too much to ask?

I'm looking forward to one thing and that's seeing AshLee when she graduates, I only want to see her and to be with her, because I know that compared to anyone else, she's the only one with the intelligence and the self control.

I just want it all to disappear.

I hate this feeling

I really need someone here.
I need someone I can hug everyday.
Someone I can talk to.
Someone I can have a good relationship with.

I'm tired of feeling this alone.

Tired of the worst people getting what they want
While I'm stuck getting whatever they leave behind.

I walk the girl that I've liked since freshman year home everyday after school.
I go out of my way to get her a ride on days when she doesn't feel good enough to walk.
I try to be my best around her, and it kills me every time to know it's not enough.

I miss and hate my memories at the same time. It's because of the pain and happiness in my past that I refuse to remember anything but try so hard to. It reminds me too much of what was, and what can still happen. I don't want to hurt like I did, but I know that despite all that hurt I still had a genuine smile on my face back then, because despite all the pain and sadness, someone was there to lend me a hand and let me hold them.

That just doesn't seem to exist anymore.

God I hate this.

I miss you

I miss everything.

Flashbacks...

Another thing I'm hoping to write about in this blog is memories from my past. With everything that's happened to me mentally I've lost a lot of memories and I've failed to write them down when I remember them.

I just woke up from sleeping and in my dream I was hugging one of my friends, I felt a sense of happiness. I don't get or give hugs hardly anymore so this dream had been the high point of my day so far.

But soon after I woke up I remembered something, a few years back, during my freshman year in high school, I was walking through the air lock to go outside and see the girl I had fallen for. At that point she knew that I liked her and she liked me too. She was facing the opposite direction talking to her friends when I came up behind her and wrapped my arms around her and held her. She rested her head on my shoulders and smiled. Pieces of my memory end there, the faces of her friends fade out and in the end it's just me and her. I miss that feeling. I miss having someone there that you can hug everyday, that you can hold, that you can say I love you too. That smiles every time you see her and isn't afraid to cry on your shoulders in front of other people. And what hurts the most about this memory is that a week after this happened, she told me that she loved me.

And then it all crashed and burned.

I am tired

Of so much.
School
People
Life in general

It's taking it's toll on me, I just want to get away from all this, I wanna get out of this town, out of this area.
I wanna see and experience new things, not the same thing over and over and over again EVERY single day.

The same people, the same problems, the same school work, the same empty feeling.

I can't wait till summer, I'm going to escape any and every chance I get, I'm going to hang out with people I hardly see anymore and I'm going to get away from all this.

There's so much I want to do, and so little resources to do it.

Last breath of air

So here I am, second day, second entry.

I find myself conflicting on just about everything I do.
My mind is split between the good and the bad
What's right and what's wrong

A part of me wants to be the good guy. To help everyone and anyone. To make a difference in the lives of others and to have a solid purpose.

But the other part, see's it all as a futile goal.
I want to help, but can't
I try to help, but fail
I help, but get nothing back for it.
It's like I don't exist anymore.

Lately I've been increasing my efforts to help others; volunteering, being chivalrous, helping others on assignments, socializing more, and just trying to actually present myself as a good person.

I've started talking to Devon for the first time since freshman year and I've been talking to a girl named Katie from my JROTC class trying to get to know her better. I've also begun talking to Krystina and Jordan again.
But in the back of my mind I know that all this is simply the last gasp of air before the plunge. Before I completely break down.

It's just a matter of time and events.

Who knows what will happen.

That's what I have for now.
Goodnight.
-Rafael

Well, here I go

First blog entry.
Don't know how to feel about it.

I'm making this blog for those days(and nights) where I need some sort of escape and release from all the things that are creating havoc on me, my mind, and my heart.
Don't expect happy entries.
Don't expect revealing ones.
But do expect beginnings.
Do expect endings.
And do expect revelations.

And maybe a better insight of who I am.

That is all for today.
-Rafael