The Knife

I can't believe it crossed my mind again, I actually considered using it if I messed up or did something wrong.

I keep thinking that the only way to make things right is to punish myself.
The only way to make anything right is to suffer.

I know I shouldn't have these thoughts, I don't want them, but I can't seem to stop them.

If I can't make someone happy, if I can't hold a meaning in this life, then why am I still here?

It's just more poisoned thoughts...
-Rafael

Temptations and poisoned thoughts

Those are what flood my mind.

I stare at this bottle and all I want is a sip, a taste, to forget the pain again.
I clench my fists and all I want is the pain, a punch, to get rid of these thoughts.
I don't know why I have such a loathing for myself,
Or rather, I don't know what part of me has a loathing for myself.

I think it's because of all the people I want to save, of all those I want to protect, I can't save or protect her.

There's the part of her that I love, but...
There's also the part of her that I'm almost repelled by: the immature,sex driven, attention yearning person.
I know she's the way she is because of her past but, I just.. wish the past could disappear, and a clean slate could be started. I believe it's possible, but it's not me who has to move on, it's her..

"What's your idea or image of the perfect girl, the one you want to be with?" -Ivory

I'm ashamed to say I didn't tell her what I was really thinking.
Might as well write down what I wanted to say...

This is my list of qualities I'd want in a girl:
-She has self respect for herself
-She can make me smile
-She loves me,for me
-She trusts me
-She can be herself around me
-She let's me help her
-She asks for my help
-She says I love you, not "Love you" or "Love ya" but "I" love you.
-She accepts who I am, and understands who I was
-She gets me through the day
-She can open up to me
-She doesn't mind how I look
-She is someone that I can not only live with, but someone I can't live without
-I love her, for her
-I can be myself around her
-I can trust her
-I think she's beautiful
-I can make her smile, and laugh
-I find her beautiful, in more ways than one
-I get her through her day
-I can actually do something for her
-I can open up to her

I never thought

I'd despise myself this much.
I'd be disgusted with myself.

I hate this body,
I hate these emotions,
I hate so much.

But most of all I hate how much it makes me question what love is
And why the hell I can't love or be loved like I wish I could.

My looks are bad,
My talents are worse,
There is nothing special about me.

I'm just an old broken toy,
From since I was born that's what I was.

Can someone please...
Please...
Just fix me.

-Rafael

My Biggest Flaw

Is how much I compare myself to other people.
And how insignificant that makes me feel.

I hate these stupid tears.

"Don't be surprised if she doesn't talk to you... for a year or two"

That's what I was told today about you.
Feels so bitter for both of us to stop communicating with each other again.
This time it won't be for a few months.
This time I don't know where I'll be or who I'll be or how I'll be when we speak again.

I hope the words weren't true,
But I have to accept that they might be..

I love you,
Loser Buddy.

-Rafael

Seems as though

Looking back, I've fallen a long ways of who I used to be.
But as far as I've fallen, I've risen up as well.

Things are in a new perspective for me now, it feels as though I've become more self sufficient than before, especially since I've lost so many people recently.
Since I could no longer get or ask for help, I had to figure things out on my own, and now it's becoming the only way I can get by. I tried helping and got slammed to the ground for failing.

So now failure is what I accept, and success what I strive for.
I will pull myself off the ground, with or without your help.
I will graduate, with or without your help.
I will go to college, with or without your help.

I will pass on to the next life
With or without you here.

But it's so much easier with you here.

-Guardian