I could...

Really use a hug right now.

Not some pansy ass light hug or a side hug.
But a full blown "I haven't seen you in such a long time" or "I love you" kind of hug.

I'm not sure where to get affection, or who is willing to give me it unconditionally.

I feel severely alone and outcast for some reason.

Maybe some sleep will release me from these emotional ties for a little bit...

Goodnight,
-Rafael

A PERSON is intelligent, PEOPLE are stupid.

This is so retarded.
I'm getting quite annoyed with these inter-friendship flings and relationships that have been going on lately.
All it's doing is causing problems between people, problems that I have to listen to.
It's quite simple, just get over yourselves, move on, and find someone that's not a part of your group of FRIENDS!
Quick, simple, and only involves a little effort on your parts.

God I miss you Ivory.

-Rafael

A Few Things...

I'd like to mention and clear up.
I don't want to look back at everything and notice pockets missing in this blog.

First off, me and Ivory are still together, her family still dislikes me, but I hope, hope with all my heart that they will learn to like me. And see that I'm really not a bad guy. None of this is going to be easy, but I'm going to keep trying until I can't anymore. I'm hooked on her, she's the only girl I want to hold hands with, the only girl that I want to kiss, the only girl I want to give my heart to...

Secondly, I guess you could say I've had a new addition added to my family. Jesse Kimes is currently living in the room next to mine and has been for a short while now. I've managed to get her a solid place to live, at least until she finds somewhere better. She's nice to have around and it removes a big piece of loneliness that resonates in this house.

Lastly, I've still been working on writing more poems. Recently finished two more, though short and somewhat incomplete to my standards, here they are.

Title: Suit of Armor

This suit of armor
Though rusted and brittle
Is all the protection I need

Against the pain
Against the love
Against the sadness

It has it's imperfections
More dents than I can count
But there's a spot
one not like the others

Straight in the middle
A bulls eye on my chest
A place that few have hit

I call it my heart
But they've called it a toy
Using it against me
At a moment of their choosing

This suit of armor
Though falling to pieces
Is all the protection I have

But as tattered as it might seem
And as used as it might be
It's all I have

And I'll make the best of it

Title: The Hearts Song

I know you can’t hear me

The music is blaring

He’s right next to you

And you’re just not caring

So I’ll let my heart sing

The words that can’t be told

The words that can’t be said

To the person I can’t hold

It’ll keep singing

I hope your heart hears

Because when you finally realize I’m gone

You’ll be in tears

Please listen closely

Don’t let this song drown

Maybe you’ll hear it

Just quiet him down

I’m certain that you’ll heart will hear

But will it be too late?

Please just listen

This is my fate

I’ll keep on loving you

While this song is still repeating

That is…

Until my heart’s no longer beating

Ivory Pearl Dominy
September 16, 2010 - October 28, 2010

I'm sorry if I was never good enough.

-Rafael

Just hold on Rafael... just hold on.

I keep telling myself that.

I can only describe how I'm feeling now to the equivalent of having a fish hook pried out of my heart.

This hurts...


I don't know what to do.

God, this hurts...

You can try to knock me down, but I'll get back up and take it.

"You need to leave my sister alone. I have already banned her from seeing Jake. How much more are you going to ruin her life you sick pathetic bastard!"

Does this put me at ease?

"she's okay she is safe at home.this is her mom. Leave her alone cause you are getting her in big trouble. The police have been here twice because she is going ballistic.they are not happy with her and she is not going anywhere."

God, don't make her go through all this alone....

Is this what people like me get?

The second day, the day after my first kiss, something like this happens?

Ivory is planning on running away and I have no idea where or if this plan has succeeded yet.
I'm stuck here, in my room uttering the same sentence, "Ivory, please be okay"
I'm praying, to whatever is out there, please, do something right for her, give her strength, and if you must, take some of mine.

Dammit all...
Is this what I get?
When I finally connect with someone, they disappear...

I'm probably over thinking this...

But dammit I don't want to lose her...

-Guardian

This is... what I'll never leave behind

I kissed Ivory today,
It's poisoned me.

I keep playing the memory over and over and over in my mind, it's driving me insane.
One kiss is not enough
I have to have more...

This is exactly what I wanted to avoid, this is why I think before I act, otherwise...
My heart just runs a muck.

I can still taste her

What the hell is this?

-Rafael

I'm not sure...

What to make out of it all.

I'm thinking about kissing Ivory tomorrow...

God, that's my problem, I have to think about kissing the girl that I have feelings for.
I can't act on impulse like others do, my mind simply won't allow it.

Impulses, instinct, those are the things that I simply do not have immediate access to.

I have to stop thinking so much
And just feel.

I take life in stride, knowing that everyday I live, I'm a day closer to when I die

Not sure what I should feel right now.

My emotions are everywhere, is this what love does to you?
Or is this what we do to ourselves?

I'm exhausted...

-Rafael

Last Nights Dream

It's a few years in the future.

Ivory is at my house with John, the guy she played guitar with in her past (present).
I meet them outside.
They're here to get something.
She sends him inside.
Me and her stand outside together, and she begins to talk.
She tells me that since we've broken up her and John have gotten close,
that they're in love with each other and though John doesn't want a relationship with her yet, she feels that they are still considered a couple and that they are both in deep love.
She tells me that she knew my life would be miserable without her, that she's sorry that things ended the way they did but that I'll find someone like she did someday.

I look her in the eyes, pull my hands from behind my back and show her the wedding ring that's on my finger.

Her face goes pale, and she begins to cry.


If only...

-Rafael

It's a new morning

I love how the emotion machine I call my mind resets every morning after I'm freed by sleep.

I wake up with a sense of calmness, like today could be a good day.
I love that feeling

That's why I love to wake up on mornings
Because I know, even for the slightest second
I'll feel happy.

Nothings started yet in this little town, in this little world
Until I wake up.

I find myself...

thinking about everything now.

Every little detail and even the big picture
And I realize...

How alone I've been and felt in this life and how despite that, I manage to hold on.
For what? I don't entirely know. But I still hang on the edge, hands bruised and beaten trying to hold on.

But what I do know is I feel like shit, dirt, garbage, filth, etc.
When I can't help.
When I can't be there for someone
When I'm just taking space
When I'm just disposable to people... as soon as someone better shows up, I'm nothing.

I hate it, so much when I see someone suffering or sad.
I keep finding myself just staring and yelling at myself 'Go over there, hold her, hug her, do something other than just sit there, do something'

And I can't, I'm so closed off that I can't do anything.
So much love has gone missing in my life that I don't even know how to show it.
All I have are words, that's it.

Just words...

-Rafael

The Ultimate Question

Why am I so disposable?

Something is brewing...

Inside me,
I'm not sure what it is but I suspect it's something physically wrong with me.

I'm beginning to have these ticks, almost random but studying them they seem to occur when too much is running through my head.

It happens the most frequently in 5th period: AP Stats
My mind is overwhelmed by this time in the day, so much chaos in my mind, so many thoughts running through me.

And I have no way of channeling them into something useful. Everything is just ricocheting inside my mind and it's affecting me.

It could be all physical, it could be all mental, and it could be both.

Who knows.

You just gotta figure somethings out on your own.
But always look around, something might be there to help you and you won't even realize it.

-Rafael

I'm thinking...

About a few things

Ivory: Why am I so attached to her? Why am I putting myself through all this, for her? Or am I doing all this for me?

AshLee: I really want to see you more. I don't want you to move farther away... Why can't I get enough of you?

Jesse: I'm doing what I can to help you, in any and every way I can. Can you stay for a week? Try out a simpler, calmer life for a while?

Eh, if there's one thing that's changed in me yesterday, I'm much calmer now. Letting everything out leaves such a nice peace.

I wonder how long that will last?

-Rafael

So this is what it's like

To be entirely alone

My arms and chest are all cut up, last count was at 21.
8 on my left arm, 3 on my right arm, 10 on my chest.
I don't know what to believe or hold onto anymore.
I'm still with her, but how much more can I take?

I don't know what to fight for. I don't know who to fight for.
There's no help in sight.
No comfort in sight.

No one in sight.


God, if you're out there.
She better remain untouched, or I will go up there myself and there will be hell to pay.

"Because after all, God gave me an angel to love" -Rafael

It's so sad and pathetic
Everything in my life.
But it's okay, I guess by now I know myself well enough to know that these emotions that I feel now will either fade away with time or forever remain in my heart.

They're are 2 people in my life I can honestly say that I love, without any hesitation. Though each love is in a different way, these 2 are the ones on my mind through out my day.

AshLee Loverin
Ivory Dominy

2 people I care about more than my own life, more than my own existence.
People I would not just give my life for, but people that I would live my life for.

AshLee is and always will be my best friend. She's someone I can be the happy me with. Someone that I'm comfortable to be weird with. A true friend. Someone that always seems to have an answer. Someone I was able to spend a week straight with and not once got tired of it. Someone I'd like to live with at one point in my life. My loser buddy. <3

Ivory is and always will be a piece of my heart. She's someone I feel like I can care for and make a difference to. Someone I can always show my love to. Someone that has the power to turn my emotions on a dime. Someone who I'd take anything for and then some. She's the weakness in my armor. <3

What kind of person am I?
-Rafael

I'm sure my bipolar-ness the past few days is just a phase...

Last night was a great night, despite some of the things that happened later in the night.

I got to spend time with Ivory, and for once it seemed, I felt like I actually meant something.
That I actually had meaning and purpose

Things started out less than great when we met up.
She was with her friends and was preoccupied with texting and finding other people.
Saying hello to other guys, and one of which stuck around and began tickling her right in front of me.
It was starting to really get to me,
I was starting to feel like garbage and I was to the brink of just walking home from the football game.

But as her friends began running off, and it got to just me and her,
things got more comfortable.
We were kind of in a flirty argument, sarcastic things going back and forth between us
She felt bad for saying something to me and she hugged me
I didn't hug back of course but she hammered me for it
And it was that little nudge that made me wrap my arms around her and hold her.
It broke any restraint I had before
I felt like I could hold her now.
And so this went on for a little while
And then it came time for me to walk her to her schools homecoming (Couldn't go, no money and ill prepared. Didn't expect to be doing anything that night)
I took her backpack from her and put on my shoulder, it was getting in the way of us holding hands. Then she kept going on the side the backpack was on and it hindered my ability to hold her hand so I switched sides on the backpack and she asked "Can I have my bag?" in which I replied "No, but can I have your hand?"
She looked at me for what seemed like forever and finally gave me her hand and we intertwined fingers.
It felt great
One thing that made my heart race was how she would grip my hand harder at times, like she wanted to hold and never let go.
We slowed down behind her group of friends and it was just me and her walking for a while.
Nothing else existed, nothing else mattered.
We let go of our hands, embraced each other a few times until she had to go in.
That, was the highlight of my night, and a very bright moment in my life.

The bad news....
-Jesse seems to be down a self destructive path and everyone sees it
-AshLee might be moving even farther away from me
-My entire body aches from everything I've put it through the past couple days.

God, I sure as hell hope you exist

-Rafael

What's wrong with me?

Me: Drama? Involving who?
Ivory: Lindsay! Chad! Scotty! Shane!
Me: Why are you talking to Chad and Scotty? And what's happening with Lindsay and Shane?
Ivory: Shane is ignoring Deja, Lindsay is acting like a slut, And I'm not talking to them, that's why I keep getting cussed out by them!
Me: Why can't you tell them to leave you alone or you'll go to the police?
Ivory: No, police people don't like me, look I will send you the message Chad sent me!
Ivory: FWD: You know what bitch, I am so sick of you fucking ignoring my fucking calls and texts. You were my slut and will always be so fucking text me back.
Me: It doesn't matter if the police like you or not, they're supposed to get rid of people like that! And don't reply, don't respond, forget about him.
Ivory: Chad is being kinda harsh and Scotty is being worse!
Me: Kinda harsh? He IS being harsh. I don't see why you can't say 'Leave me alone, I don't want anything to do with you and if you don't leave me alone the next thing you'll see is the inside of a jail cell!' Why can't you tell them off?
Ivory: Because that would be mean!!
Me: Ivory, they're treating you like SHIT! And you're afraid of being mean?
Ivory: Yes.. I'm used to them treating me like shit, saying I'm only good for a booty call... Doesn't hurt anymore!
Me: Why have people like that in your life? Why have them constantly bringing you down knowing fully well you can stop them... Even if it doesn't hurt anymore it doesn't mean you should let them screw with you like that.
Ivory: I'm not, they are not even in my life, I am so over it now!
Me: Wait, Ivory... what's happened between you and Chad?
Ivory: Are you mad?
Me: I'm mad that these guys are saying crap to you. What's happened between you and Chad?
Ivory: Today, nothing. In the past...
Me: Yes, I want to know what's happened in the past. You told me you ate dinner with him one night, but you never told me that you two have done things before.
Ivory: *15 minutes later* We didn't do anything when we had dinner that night
Me: That's not what I was asking...
Ivory: Won't you talk to me? (Accidental message that she sent?)
Me: What do you mean?
Ivory: What are you asking then?
Me: What have you two done in the past?
Ivory: Huh?
Me: Never mind. It's whatever, sorry for asking.
Ivory: If your asking if we have ever had sex, the answer is yes!
Ivory: No, don't be sorry, tell me what you're thinking!
Me: I'm thinking back to the two nights you hung out with him, and how the one night you two had dinner, you stopped texting me for hours.
Ivory: Oh! Nothing happened, I swear!
Me: I'm just pointing out what it looks like... I'm not saying you did anything.
Ivory: What does it look like?
Me: It looks like something happened.
Ivory: Well nothing did!
Me: And I believe you.
Ivory: Oh ok good!

The conversation is still going on, I don't want to write out anymore....


For Gods sake, stand up for yourself
Because I can't stand up for you.

I'm eating away at myself
You're killing me without actually killing me
Why make me suffer? Why make myself suffer...

"As I take this piece of you with me, I'll carry to my grave, Knowing that for someone you're an angel sent to save"

One Man Drinking Games:
And you said it would be funny to keep me hanging in suspense
Then I'd run over to your house and I'd scale the chainlink fence
That borders your back yard and then I'd climb through your window
And I'd whisper that I love you as you fall out of your clothes

And we'd lay there in the darkness like this dream of you I had
Where we captured all the fireflies and knew what time we had
Could be counted on our fingertips and that almost made you cry
you let me hold you tightly as we said all our goodbyes

May I say I loved you more
May I say I loved you more

And it must have been and hour that I clutched you in my arms
And I must have said the right things because you instantly felt warm
And you heard my heart stop beating and you wanted not to cry
As your sympathetic whispers, they told a tale of bad goodbyes

And you swore you saw me laughing and I swore I saw you smile
And this time we've spent together is meant to last us quite a while
As I take this piece of you with me, I'll carry to my grave
Knowing that for someone you're an angel sent to save

(Keep breathing my angel, if you go down I go with you)
May I say I loved you more
(Keep breathing, just keep breathing)
(Keep breathing my angel, if you go down I go with you)
May I say I loved you more
(Keep breathing, just keep breathing)

So let's drink to memories we shared
Down one for all the hopes and cares
Here's two for being unaware that you're gone
Because before too long you'll be a memory

So let's drink to memories we shared
(Because before too long you'll be a memory)
Down one for all the hopes and cares
(Because before too long you'll be a memory)
Here's two for being unaware that you're gone
(I said before too long you'll be a memory)
I said before too long you'll be...

The Last Something That Meant Anything:
Well I thought that we could sit around and, talk for hours
About things I couldn't say to you
And things that we could never do and,
This conversation has had no face
When the words take days you can re-write and erase anything

You know my heart (so tell me all that's needed, cause I don't really want this)
Knows all this

And I'll borrow words from all my favourite paragraphs
To write a ballad while we say the things
We hope would mean the most to me
And each line is sent
I have found a new pages of hope for the days
when I fell like I've lost everything

You know my heart (so tell me all that's needed, cause I don't really want this)
Knows all these lines (cause my jealous heart really can't take that)
So I'll sing this song for everyone that's come out lost

But, I'll be OK (Is that what you want me to say)
It's called breakup
Cause it's broken
But I'll be OK (is that what you want me to say)
It's called breakup
Cause it's broken

I'll be OK
Is that what you want me to say
It's called Breakup
Cause it's broken
[repeats]

[singing]
I'll be OK, is that what you want me to say
Cause it's broken
And well, try so bad to tell me that you
Make it that you're sorry and the
Lines we said
Never meant the words we meant
Cause it's broken
Every kiss that you could ever mean
The everything that takes you back
The chocolate, rose, the kisses
That like chasing through your misses

I'll be OK
Is that what you want me to say
It's called Breakup
Cause it's broken
[x2]

Well I thought that we could sit around and, talk for hours
About things I couldn't say to you
And things that we could never do
---------------------------------------------------------------------
These two songs hold a high meaning to me right now, it's strange.

This world is such a mess
I'm such a mess
And despite being knocked down so much
And being constantly disappointed
And being thrown out like garbage by many who say they care about me
I still hold on to what little hope remains
What little sanity that this world retains
And I use it as my strength

No matter how much I break,
No matter how much I fall,
I pick up the pieces
And stand up tall.

I hope that people can do something right in their life, not for the sake of others, but for the sake of themselves.

Destruction in peace.
Peace in destruction.

-Rafael

I realize...

After reading through my blogs...
I blame myself for too much.
Also, I bring up the word "God" in quite a few blogs.
*deep sigh*
Goodnight,
-Rafael

My Mind Just Broke

I feel like that's the only way to describe it really.

I find myself incapable of thinking clearly, or at least not to the extent I normally function at.
It seems I have too much on my mind or perhaps, not enough.

Regardless, I guess emotionally I'm doing okay. Though earlier I had a minor breakdown in which I... well... not important I guess.

I miss a lot of things right now
And I'm exhausted in many ways

Where is the peace?
Where is your voice?
-Rafael

Just A Dream

I feel odd, really odd.
To the point where I can't really describe my emotions with words.
Today has just been an odd day, mentally mainly.

I'm still in a certain "flight" mode in my mind.
I'm here physically but mentally, I don't know where I am.
Everything feels like a dream.

I really just want it to rain, for a week or two straight.
That's what I wish for more than anything else.

I really just want to see AshLee.
And spend more time with her.

I really just want things to disappear at will.
To come and go as needed.

I really just want to feel loved.
Something I felt for a moment today.

I really just want...
This dream to be a good one.

I love you
With every part of me.

-Rafael

It all makes sense now....the hero complex

The Hero Complex is a compulsion to help others and make the world right. Although not officially considered a disorder or disease, there is an increasing number of people who 'suffer' from it. Many fictitious heroes and main characters seem to have this as well, but note that there is a difference between helping others out of choice and feeling compelled to. It may also be associated with Zoological Altruism- Instinctive cooperative behavior that is detrimental to the individual but contributes to the survival of close relatives, thus making it more likely to be passed on.

Traits
Those who have a "Hero Complex" tend to feel that the current life they live is insufficient. For most, the need will ebb and flow. There will be days where they will ask questions like why they have had the role thrust upon them, if what they're doing is really going to make a difference, and sometimes even why they care in the first place.

Many believe that they could do more if they had the means to, whether it is in terms of money, power, or something else held in prestige. Most wait quietly believing that someday they will find these means, although some go out to "find" them on their own. They also often ask the question 'is this really enough?' or 'am I doing the right thing?' Usually such questions have a demoralizing effect, but many who have the Hero Complex will be motivated to find these answers. They are very loyal and dependable, and when given a challenge will almost always find a way to complete it...if they see it as a useful challenge. These traits make them great leaders and friends, for their extensive thought process makes them great at giving advice and opinions in addition to lending their abilities and talents when they can. However, the universal respect societies have for such people leads many to ignore the negative implications. Their high standards might not only carry the risk of overextending themselves and causing depression and withdrawal, they might lead the individual to become destructive (see "Villain-Complex" below).

In fulfilling these desires, they will take on a more benevolent behavior, and 'unlock' the true meanings of themselves. This is the true need of those who have a Hero Complex. Excellent examples of this are David Dunn of Unbreakable, Harry Potter, Goku from Dragon Ball Z, and Batman.

The person suffering from true Hero Complex will have hullicinations of saving the people they care about most. They have day dreams that include saving friends/family from fires, drowning, etc. They can also get a feeling inside of them like their stomach dropped ten feet. This usually occurs when they view someone in pain. Whether its a movie, video game, or real life, their Hero Complex can be triggered by someone elses misfortune. Crying is a big weakness for those with Hero Complex. Even if the person in need is an enemy, a Hero Complex will try to help. As stated above, this is not just having a "big heart" it is a compulsion to help others. If they dont they feel horrid and think they arent good people.

Causes
While not everyone who has been disappointed at some point in their lives will develop a hero complex, almost everyone with one has been in some way or another. One cause may be trying to atone for a sense of worthlessness. This sense may be caused by underlying stress from the inability to complete certain everyday tasks. Alternatively, because of the lack of modern-day heroes, the sufferer may be trying to compensate for a loss of 'icons' in modern societies, and they look inward instead of outward for their own gratification. They may feel guilt for not helping others in the past, or they may have felt pain at a previous point in their lives and are motivated by fear of seeing that pain inflicted on others.

Coping
Although there is no "treatment", many look for ways to find release from their troubled worlds instead of having to confront it. Often, a release can be found in video games, because of their allowance for one to enact heroic roles, or in personifications of heroes (i.e. Movies and comics or role-playing). The effects are not permanent, but can lead to an addiction to false realities. Perhaps the best thing for "victims" to do is accept there are some things we cannot change and others just need time. At other times, the best thing to do is to try to make a change, as long as the goal is within reach.

Villain Complex
A few of those who have the Hero Complex may begin to turn towards the 'dark side'. This can happen to those who either have an objective so narrow (acquiring power, defeating a nemesis) that they lose sight of everything else, or those who become so powerful they begin to use might alone to set things right. The need to help becomes the want to hurt. They often lose sight of those they are trying to help, who they might even come to despise as weak and deserving of punishment. They become intolerable of weakness and anything that deviates from their vision of a perfect world, and before long, they become the oppressors when all they wanted was to set things right. Some, like Anakin Skywalker, do not even realize they are hurting those they were trying to help and do not see the negative impact they are having.

Everyone Deserves A Second Chance

I guess this is true.

Ivory told me why she was still friends with that guy who touched her.
"Everyone deserves to change and get a second chance"

Looking back I realize my life isn't full of second chances for me or for others.
But I understand why one might be necessary.

I don't know, I'm already attached to Ivory.
I'm incapacitated by my damn emotions.
I keep snapping at her for being bullemic or talking to the guys she's slept with/ done stuff with or hanging out with other guys alone.

I hate being this way.
I hate caring so damn much.
I feel like I'm being used and abused in this relationship, despite all the compromises she's made for my sake.

It still hurts though, knowing your girlfriend is with these people or talking to them.
Knowing that she isn't telling you the complete truth
Knowing that she keeps things from you
Knowing that she believes you're like every other guy she's dated
Knowing that she tries to find faults in you
Knowing that despite the compromises one thing is lacking: Affection

I keep feeling like it's my fault, like it's all me, because that's how I've always felt in relationships.
I'm the one who can't show affection
Who can't show love
Who can't be there when she needs me
I'm the one destined to screw it up.
And so far, I have the track record to prove it.

I apologize for this...
-Rafael

It's been so long

Since I've blogged, even if it's only been a few weeks.

It's always strange reading back at the last thing(s) I wrote and wondering why or how I felt the way I did.

I currently have a girlfriend, although honestly I don't believe it'll last much longer.
Ivory Pearl Dominy September 16, 2010 - present.
We have daily problems, or rather I point out alot OF the problems.
It's necessary but at the same time it's taking it's toll.

I broke down crying Thursday night, feeling like a failure and a fool. Ivory had gotten hit on and felt up by some guy after I left the College Fair at the fairgrounds.

The worst part was that she was still talking to him yesterday and is probably talking to him right now, despite my protest.

I can't help but feel like garbage. Worthless and pathetic.

All I want is love, affection, anything that will give me the sense of belonging.
That I should actually be in this world.

But no dice.
I'm just wandering around in life, holding on to my one and only purpose.
Help whoever needs it and hope someday you'll save someone and find someone that will love you back.