Today

Is good.
First good day in a long time.

I still feel it, I still feel the pain but I'm medicating it away with my own medicine.
I feel... good.
I feel like I can do more than I ever could before,
Why?
Because a lot of the things that I let hold me back are gone,
I know what's right,
I know what's wrong,
And with that, I can function and keep going.

Everything bounced off me today, any comment, insult, drama, problem, if it didn't do me good,
I didn't take it.

I'm going to be stronger.
I'm going to Finish Strong

-Rafael

Analysis Shut Down

My heart beats now, so fast and hard that my entire body feels and looks like it's beating.
I understand that I don't want to do this,
That I should hold on, and a part of me will keep holding on,
But that part is being thrown into the dark now.

I'm no longer analyzing, anyone, anymore.
I realize, that I care far too much, more than a person should.

At first, I didn't know how to go about not caring,
But I know how to shut myself off now...
I know how to not care anymore.

And my it's fighting it.
It can't succeed, I won't let it.
I can't let it.

A part of me will always care, it's impossible for me not to,
But I can mask it, I can cage it, I can control it.

Here's to the dying of my heart.

-Rafael

I realize

After listening to some of Jesses old memories
And just now recently reading some of my own...

We, as people, as human beings, truly have control over ourselves.
Over the things we feel, the things we love, and the lives we live.

We, are the definitive element,
We are the ones that make who we are and no one else.

And if we don't like who we are, we CAN change,
It might not be easy, but we can.

We can become the good we wish to create.

We can forgive our mistakes, just as we can forgive others for theirs.
Because I've realized today, that by not forgiving ourselves for what we've done,
And letting ourselves become consumed by our own fears and wants,
We are mutated, we are transformed into something that isn't really us anymore.

But, despite the fact that we may not be able to go back to our old selves,
We can turn into our new selves.
A better us,
One that our inner kid, our inner, true self, can love, or learn to love

It's possible, I know it is.

This is going to be really hard,
But I'm willing to do it.

The question is,
Are you?

-Rafael

Walls

I had them up so long ago for a reason.
For situations like this.

I'm still trying to understand all this.
Why am I suddenly crumbling?

Is it because of everything I've built up until now?
Is it because I might lose Ivory?
Is it because I might lose Jesse?
Is it because I don't know why to live?
Is it because I lack a meaning?
Or is it because I'm just being pathetic?

I don't get it.
Everything with me right now is a flash flood,
I don't know when I'm going to burst or when the waters will recede.

These lines keep going through my head:
"When the world walked out on me, you stepped in"
"Yeah, and as soon as I stepped in, you left with the rest of the world"

Maybe it's just me,
All me.

Somehow, someway, I take everyone elses' actions personally,
I can't fucking help it...
Is it because I care THAT much?
And if so, why is it that I do?

I just don't get it.
I just don't get it.
I just don't get it.
I just don't get it!

I just know that there is one thing I need,
One thing I've always needed,
One thing I've always wanted,
Human companionship.

I don't have that...

Damn this stupid mind,
Damn this stupid heart...

I'm done blogging for today.

My emotions and feelings are extremely up and down.

Right now I am calm,
For how long I don't know.

I had a venting session with God, some higher being, or feel as though I did.
I told him what I felt and what was going through my head.
I tell him that how badly I wish I was dead,
And I tell him that I hold everyone's life above my own.
And how I don't know how much longer I could hold on...

As I lay on the ground, tears falling down the sides of my face
I ask God for a favor...

Help Jesse and Ivory,
Do something good for them,
It's the least they deserve.

Help them pull through,
Help them become stronger,
Help them become good.

Because they are destined for good in this life..
And they deserve good in their life.
Help them and you can help me.

After everything that I said, I felt a lot better.
I finally had the strength to stand back up.

Though my heart beats in pain still,
And my mind is numb and cold,
I stand,
Shaking...
But standing none the less.

Until tomorrow...
-Rafael

Morning...

My right knuckle is bruised from hitting walls in the past 24 hours.
My cough is back again, due to the sleeping pills that I took last night.

I can't function properly anymore.
I can't sleep, because my head keeps filling with images and thoughts of what happened yesterday.
I KNEW, I KNEW, that this was going to happen, but stupid hope kept me up.
It made me believe that things could be different.
Now my hope is shattered.
She lied to me,
And now I'm afraid, I'm too hurt, to trust her...

I tremble in my sleep at night,
I blast music on my headphones
I hit myself in order get rid of thoughts even though it's only temporary.
I do all that just for those few hours that I can sleep and forget.

This is what you deserve Rafael...
This is what happens..
This is what always happens when you get yourself attached to someone.
They hurt you and you hurt yourself.

It's my own damn fault,
I didn't try hard enough,
I didn't do what I should have.

I failed...
And now I don't know what to do anymore..

Tears

Calm my nerves more than cutting or beating myself ever could.
I really should cry more...

I see her laying there, staring so intently at her phone,
Waiting for his response. His next text.
As soon as her phone lights up she attacks it, quickly opening it to see what he says.

I hate myself, so much..
Because I lack that effect on any one,
I lack the effect that he has on her.

No one loves me to the degree that they lose sleep over me,
That they think of me.
That they can't wait to see me in the morning.

People just expect me to be,
To exist and nothing more.
I lack meaning, or am shown little meaning.

I can't even give myself meaning anymore..

I'm a shadow, a piece of darkness.

I remember the old times,
When I'd wake up every morning to a text from someone.
I'd go to school, get a hug from one, maybe two people multiple times.
People that I actually meant something to.
I'd go about my day though in constant thought, I'd be happy.

That doesn't really exist anymore.
I just don't see it anymore.

I'm fighting to hold on,
For what, I don't know exactly,
Maybe it's for a lot of things,
Or for nothing at all.

I just know I have to keep holding on...
I have to...
I just have to...

-Rafael

Just all random thoughts and emotions...

To Jesse (Part 2)

I want you know something,
More than that, I want you to believe in something.

You have more meaning in this life than you think you do.
You have a higher purpose, I see that in you.

But I see more than that...
I see a beautiful woman, one who has been treated much lesser than how she should be treated
I see a girl that can go places in her life, can see amazing things, and do what she was always meant to do.
I see someone, that despite all the shit, manages to keep going.
And I admire that about you.
I see a friend
I see a sister
I see a love
I have a strong love for you, different than a love for anyone else.
A love that I know binds me to you,
A bond that I can't and won't let go of.

No matter what.

Whenever you feel like giving up,
And whenever you feel like giving in,
And whenever everything around you feels like it's crashing down...

Remember this.

And Never Forget it.

I, love you.
Fully and unconditionally.

Your guardian, your brother, your friend
-Rafael.

Darkness

I keep screaming in this empty house.

I don't know what I'm going to do,
I'm doing everything possible to get rid of myself.
To erase who I am and restart.

But this stupid part of me,
This stupid part of me that is so attached to this one individual,
Refuses to die.

I held myself back from hugging her, from comforting her,
And my insides were screaming.

I don't want to be myself anymore...

I don't want to exist anymore.

-Guardian

Last blog of the day

I've exceeded my quota for blogs today.

I can't be the same person I was before now
I'm not the same person I was before now.
I've been stripped of any sort of emotion,
I can no longer allow myself to feel anything like this again.

I've never felt this before, this is new to me...
Scary, and yet... I smile.

This body no longer suits me,
This purpose no longer suits me,
This life no longer suits me...

But alas, I must adapt.
I must change so that I don't feel this anymore.

I must become something better, or worse,
Something new, in order to survive in this world

I must be reborn.

I am reborn.

-New Life

I think...

I think....

I think I can finally let go now.

Finally...

Thank you God,

Thank you...
-Rafael

Guardian

As guardians,
We take more damage than anyone.

We've been placed on this earth to help save.
Each one of us is given a task
A purpose.

Such a purpose that it is engraved into our very being.
A purpose that follows us in life, death, and rebirth.

We protect,
We heal,
We cure,
We change,
We live,
We die,
We exist.

We're given one purpose
And when we fail
We suffer within ourselves.

I'm suffering within myself...

-Rafael

Happy Thanksgiving

I've been thinking about it for a while now,
And.... I'm not really thankful for anything.

Sure, I'm glad I have a house, a family, "friends", a girlfriend, and a best friend.
But all these things are thrashed because if there is one thing I'm not thankful for is being alive.

My purpose is empty, it lacks meaning to it anymore.
Everything feels like empty time, an empty cause.

It seems as though everyone I tried to pull up from the edge simply dusted themselves off and jumped over again.

I hate feeling this way.
I keep looking at everything and I still see nothing.
I'm not sure what I'm fighting for, if anything at all.

Hopefully the day gets better.

-Rafael

The Notebook

Just got done watching it.

It's strange...
We all long for a our own love story.
One of meaning, sacrifice, and growth.

Some of us spend our entire lives searching for such a love story,
Some of us think we've found it,
And some of us know we've found it.

And so very many of us,
Hope that it happens.

The way I see it,
We'll all get a love story,
To hold onto for the rest of our lives,
However many we may have.


"Allie: I need to ask you something.
Noah: What is it sweetheart?
Allie: Do you think that our love can create miracles?
Noah: Yes I do. That's what brings you back to me each time.
Allie: Do you think our love can take us away together?
Noah: I think our love can do anything we want it to.
Allie: I love you.
Noah: I love you Allie.
Allie: Good night.
Noah: Good night. I'll be seeing you."


I'll be seeing you,
-Rafael

Probably my most heart-felt entry to date.

I don't know what to write...
I just feel like I need to...

Why is this eating away at me so damn much?
I don't get it...

I saw things I didn't want to see,
I found out things I didn't want to know

It feels like everything I've been told till now has been a lie.
And it hurts,
It's not a physical pain, it's a deep kind of soul-hurt.
I'm trying to numb it all out
And I know I'll succeed.

Nobody is perfect
I know that, I accept that,

But don't show signs of change unless it's truly going to happen...

Don't change unless your going to hold on through it all.
Don't change for him, don't change for me, don't change for anyone but yourself.
But DO change.

I'll carry you on my shoulders if I have to, and I want to..
I can't save everyone... I probably can't even save anyone.
That's why, in the end, it's you that will have to save yourself

I promise you, I'll always be here.
Even if you don't believe always exists.

In the end,
We're the only ones that can save ourselves...

I love you,
-Rafael

...

I went off on myself again today.

I can't save everyone...

But dammit, I'm going to keep trying.

I want to thank you, from the bottom of my heart for this. Thank you, Jesse...

For helping me hold on..

To My Dearest Friend…

(Rafael)

You understand me.

You can read me through and through and you see me fucking things up.

You call me out on it, you try to save me and in the end, I make you feel like your purpose in my life is fading.

How can I tell you that it’s not.

How can I tell you that I feel like you are the only one who understands, the only one who cares enough to stop me. Or cares enough to save me from myself.

You hold me as I shake in my tears. You Hold my wrists after I’d beat them against the wall.

When I’m with you, I hardly see you as a stranger..you’ve filled an empty hole in my life. The hole that Johanna left inside me… when I left her.

And when I can’t hold her and let her know that I’m still here…you’re there, to keep me from feeling so alone.

I need you to know that I love you. As my friend. As my brother. And when you’re in pain I feel it too and I wish that I could take it all away and I wish that I could make her see you the way that I see you.

As a wonderful, loving, caring person.

I don’t deserve your friendship. I don’t deserve your kindness. I deserve nothing from you, but you continue to give it

You don’t judge me, but you save me.

Because I’m not strong enough to save myself.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I keep crying every time I read this.

See you in the morning, sister.

-Rafael

What I sent to Ivory.

I know you might not read this for a while...
But I just want you to know some things, or see some of the things that I do...
Ivory Pearl Dominy,
I love you-- That's something I've never been more sure about telling anyone.
You're on my mind so much that it drives me crazy (in a good way)
I'm always remembering back to the first time I got to hold your hand, and the first time I got to kiss you.
I've been hooked ever since then.

I've always been the kind of person to put meaning behind a lot of things in day to day life, but I've found that you hold the highest meaning of all.

If my past has taught me anything about love it's that it's only true love when all you want is the other person to be happy, even if it means they're happy without you. And I truly do love you.
I'm willing to do anything for you.

I'm not a perfect person, I've made mistakes, and I continue to make them. But I know I make them a lot less with you.

I've changed a lot over the past 2 months that I've been with you, and looking back, I'm glad I've changed. You've helped me learn to love again, and made me a better person, and you continue to do so.
I don't want you to be perfect, because I know being perfect is not something that just happens. Because I, myself, am not perfect. Like a diamond, we both have to work on it. Together.

I want this relationship with you, I want to work through the bad, be together through the good, and everything else in between.

I want to hold your hand,
I want to kiss you
I want to hold you
I want to love you
And be there with you.

And as long as there is air in my lungs and blood in my veins, I'll do my best to be here, with you.

I love you,

-Rafael

Error.

I'm not sure what the hell my major malfunction is right now.
I'm tearing myself to shreds right now
For what?

I don't know what the fuck has been building up inside me,
I can't control myself right now.

I keep looking at my life and myself
I see nothing.
I see no one.

Nothing nothing nothing.

I keep processing and analyzing information to such a fast paced degree I don't know where the hell it's all coming from.

I consider myself to be a type of guardian, an angel, something along those lines...

I feel like I can't do shit, I can only see,
I can't speak, I can't cry, I can't feel, I can't hold on...
To anything, to anyone.

My arms are empty,
My hands are empty,
My heart is empty.

It feels like everything I've done is a waste
All the time, the energy, the life I've put in.
Waste

I don't even know why I feel this way anymore,
Everything is just pouring out of me right now.

Dammit dammit dammit
I just want to scream.....

To those I watch over,

Don't be afraid to rest your head on my shoulders.
Don't be afraid to hug me
Don't be afraid to tell me what's on your mind.
Don't be afraid...
Don't be afraid to ask anything of me,
Because as long as you ask,
I will give.
And as long as you want it,
I will give.

Until I die.
-Rafael

This is a fairly good morning

Good sleep, good music, good breakfast, good motivation.

Maybe today will be a good day. :)

I love resetting ever morning.

Ivory, I love you
AshLee, I love you
Jesse, I love you

Here's to making the start of my day good. :)

-Rafael

This song seems to describe alot perfectly...

Especially an aspect of me and Ivory's relationship.

Mr.Brightside by The Killers

What's on my mind?

Ivory.
Ivory.
Ivory.
Ivory.
Ivory.
Ivory.

It's driving me crazy.
I wish, I hope, I pray,
That I can spend more time with you,
That I can hold you
That I can kiss you
That I can be a part of your life
And that you can be a part of mine.

I want that so badly.
But it's futile.

But I don't want to give up,
It hurts.

To Jesse

Your problem is opposite of mine.

You need to think more and feel less
Whereas I need to feel more and think less.

Stop allowing yourself to be put into these stupid situations
Stop letting people control you,
For once, For ONCE
Think before you act.
Think before you decide to text them back
Think before you decide to talk to them
Think before you decide to hang out with them
Think before you decide to love
Think before you decide to lie
Think before you end up screwing your life over.

You have the choice, more than that, you have the ability to change, I see that in you.
The problem is, and what I'm confused on is why you choose not to.
Why you choose to communicate with people whose sole interest is to royally fuck you and your life over.

For affection? For "love"? For him?

I know my purpose in your life is slowly fading and wearing away
I'm used to it, and I somewhat saw it coming,
But please, for God's sake,
Think, breathe, move forward, repeat.

-Rafael

The last blog was one possibility...

But I admit there is one other thing.

When me and her had kissed, the warmth left my body,
And so we held each other, she held me to try and help me get warm again.

One of my arms was around her, but the other one lay on her stomach,
She put both of her hands over mine and something felt... well I can't describe it.
This was when her eyes began to look hollow.

She told me that she was pregnant about a week ago, then she told me she may not be.
But I wonder if she still is, and she's afraid to tell me.

I felt strange holding her with our hands on her stomach...
It felt... right.

And in some way, that scares me.

I hate feeling this sense of attachment because I know that I can't let myself be so vulnerable.
That I can't be with a girl who's pregnant with another man's child.

-Rafael

"Guardians never die"

She pulled away...

I hate over thinking, I hate thinking in general.
I hate it, I hate seeing this much.

Today was me and Ivory's 2 month anniversary,
I gave her a rose, a necklace I made myself, and a card this morning.
And it was a good morning, just me and her,
Lips connected, heart racing, and I could feel the warmth of my body leaving me and going to her.
It was one of the best, no, it was the best morning I've ever had.

But...
I noticed something in our embrace, her eyes seemed distracted, or rather, hollow. Like there wasn't anything there. Like she wasn't there. It was strange.

Seeing Jesse, and her relationships with people, and how no matter what, she always sees a piece of Spencer in everyone or she is with people because she uses them as a distraction from him, I can't help but wonder..

Does Ivory think of someone else when she's with me? Is she with me as an escape from someone else?

I hate thinking,
Dammit...
Why can't I just be happy?

Interesting

A new perspective on things,
And yet it affects the old one in no way.

Ha...
Some sick twisted part of me smiles at the events that are about to occur.
At how bliss things will be for so short of time only to explode and shatter.
Only to cause pain.

My heart is turning black

I hope I can see Ivory tomorrow,
Maybe she'll bring me back to my old self.

Or maybe this is the start of a new me.

So this is what I've contained for so long...

-Rafael

Spent Time with AshLee

I hate how short lived it is.
I soak up every minute I can get with her
And my life is peaceful.
I love you, Loser Buddy.

Lately, things have been putting themselves into perspective,
I now understand with perfect clarity so many of these people I deal with everyday.
I can read them perfectly now

And I know what I have to do.

I'll leave this place soon enough,
But not before I put up one last fight,
Not before I finally shatter everything,
And let everyone sort out the mess for once

I'm done picking up the pieces,
It's time to move on.

-Rafael

What am I supposed to say?

The past 12 hours have sucked.
I'm not sure how to feel
I don't want to feel.

I realize why I tossed out feelings and emotions a long time ago
And how badly I want to close myself off from everything now.

After today, I doubt I'll have anything left.

I'm probably losing Jesse
I'm probably losing Ivory
And AshLee is only around temporarily.

Those are the 3 people I hold dearest in this world,
when they're gone...

There's nothing left.


"Somewhere far beyond this world, I feel nothing anymore"

Ivory Ivory Ivory

I don't understand you at times
Or what you're really thinking.
Why you do the things you do
Or say the things you say.

Why you can tear me down and piece me together so easily.

I hate this,
Dammit Rafael,
LET HER GO!

Just want to save this for reference

Someday we'll both look back on today, look at everything we've been through together, and say "It was all worth it, because I had you by my side."

People are...

Interesting, and somewhat predictable.

It's strange, or rather a strange concept to think about.
Knowing someone so well you can see how or why they do what they do and how their future will look like.

Makes me wonder, am I predictable? Or do I retain some sense of my own fate, am I still in control of my life?

I sure hope so.

Mindless thoughts -_-
I'll think of something worthwhile to write about in one of these posts.

-Rafael

I saw Ivory yesterday

For the first time since things went down.

It was weird though, my heart was pounding extremely hard, I could feel my own heartbeat echoing through her when I hugged her.

It was a strange embrace, mainly on my own mental and emotional part.
For some reason it didn't feel right, something about it all felt weird.
It almost felt like a dream, like this moment was too good to be true.
Because...
it just reminded me of the last time I saw her, the day after our first kiss.
Maybe this last encounter with her felt so odd because my heart was afraid,
terrified to feel because it didn't want to go through the pain it did last time.

It was just a bittersweet moment in general,
I miss you. :/

-Rafael

Why?

Do I suddenly feel so depressed?

I keep viewing myself, keep viewing my life, as meaningless.
Who do I have? Who do I actually have in this life?
It feels like there's no one.
What am I here for if I can't be there for someone on something more than an emotional level.
Why can't I be the shoulder to cry on, the body to hug, the arm to hold onto...
Why can't I be more, do more, than just exist?
Why?

Some interesting quotes I've found or written.

"And so the world ended and the most amazing thing happened, life went on."
"Love is never what you want to think it is. It's either much more than you expected or it's like nothing you ever wanted to feel."
"If your going through hell, keep going."
"Love can turn you into what you were meant to be or it can turn into something you never imagined you could become."
"I get the best feeling in the world when you say hi or even smile at me because I know, even if its just for a second, that I've crossed your mind."
"I'm not supposed to love you, I'm not supposed to care, I'm not supposed to live my life wishing you were there, I'm not supposed to wonder where you are and what to do, I'm sorry I can't help myself, I'm in love with you."
"I'm going to write your name on a bullet... so everyone will know you were the last thing to go through my mind"
"It's not that I can't live without you... it's just that i don't even want to try."
"I Died For What I Believed In.... I Believed In You."
-------------------------Newest ones I've written-------------------------------

“If you follow someone to the ends of the earth, you’ll never achieve your goal. But if you lead someone to the ends of the earth, and embrace them at the end, there is no greater goal to achieve.”

“Hold onto life, let go of everything else”

“Bad people will say what they want to believe, good people will say what they know is true.”

I'm just...

Going to sit on my bedroom floor and think for a while.

I really need to find some self worth
Something to fight for

Something, anything...