Wait.. One last thing.

It's a song,
Lullaby by Chase Coy.
It's my goodbye song.

Final Memory

This will be my last post on this blog, I know that in order to better myself physically, mentally, and spiritually I need to remove or stow away pieces of my past.

I realize that I must think more about what I need rather than what I want.
I want to be with her again, want things to be like they used to be, want things to be better, want to have the girl I gave many of my firsts too, who I gave up so much for..

But I know I can't... not until I'm better, not until I can finally be proud of the person that I am.

I will be a different person, and I hope that this person I become will be closer to God and to my true purpose and meaning in this life. And once I finally better myself, once I have strength again, I will finally be able to do what I was always meant to.

If our paths should cross again, know that fate may have taken us apart but fate can also bring us back together.

Goodbye Blog,
The Memory and the memories will stay with me, but I will not.

Sincerely,
-Rafael
TheSilentMute

Every song..

Every damn song reminds me of you now..
Music was the last thing I could find comfort in and I can't get it...

I'm starting to drink again.. just hoping.. praying.. that I can get you out of my head.
Hoping, praying, that you aren't seeing another guys face while I'm lying awake in bed..
Hoping, praying, that I can have you in my arms and yet..
I'm hoping and praying for something that probably won't come to pass..

I need to snap out of this.. I need to be stronger than this...

One Last Thing...

For the night.
There's a song I don't ever want to forget,

Terrible Things by Mayday Parade.

This song reminds me the most of you and reminds me of the pain I would feel losing you forever...
Maybe I already have..

I love you,
Even if you don't realize it....

-Rafael

It sucks,

Quite honestly without you..
I know you probably won't ever see any of this and it brings tears into my eyes..
You'll move on, find a better guy.. one that makes you laugh, that your parents like having over. A good looking guy that makes you feel worth it. Makes you feel like the most beautiful girl in the world. A guy that reminds you everyday that he loves you and that will take you for better or worse. A guy that won't give up unless he's with you for the rest of his life.

I wish I didn't cry like this, I wish that not loving someone was easy.. but it's not..

God please...
Just be kind to my heart...

-Rafael

I really wish...

I could get her out of my mind.. out of my heart. I keep holding back my tears around people but as soon as there is no one around it all comes out. Every aching piece of me wants to be with her again but I know nothing I do can make things right. It's my own damn fault, I had something good, something to live for, someone to live for...

Dammit I miss her,
Dammit I screwed up...

These tears roll down my face and then suddenly stop, the more I stay in this sorrow the more it's going to tear me apart..
The conflict I have within myself is unbearable..

Wherever you are,
Know I'm missing you...

-Rafael

Time

It's been a long time and a lot has happened...

Me and Ivory are broken up now by her choice.
September 16, 2010 - May 26, 2011
8 months I'll always remember.
This new dog tag around my neck is a reminder to Never Forget what I was willing to go through for someone that I truly loved.
Someone that I still love, even now.

It took me 2 years to get over a 1 day relationship, God knows how long this one will stay with me.
I blame myself more than I blame her. I was blinded by my own fears and insecurities, things that she shouldn't have had to deal with.
And yet, I wish she would've....
Just started to cry again..
I keep telling myself to man up and forget about her, to be like every other heartless guy out there.. And in that I realize what turns so many guys into assholes.. Pain and the sensation of actually losing your heart leaves you heartless and devoid of pain..

I'm split in two, the old me and the part of me that constantly wants to change. I want to be heartless and mean but I don't want to be heartless and mean...

I need another escape so that I can face my problems again.

God help me by helping her,
Then I can help myself...

-Rafael

I wish I knew

How to change everything that's wrong with me.
How to be more appealing,to mean something.

My eyes water as I type this and with every blink I see my fists hitting me.
I keep thinking I deserve to feel this but can't imagine why anyone would deserve this..

I hate myself
I hate myself
I hate myself
I hate myself
I hate myself
I HATE MYSELF
I HATE MYSELF
I HATE MYSELF

God I hate myself...

Circle by Flyleaf

Circle encircles the earth
Chance and choice break his heart
His innocent arm moves
To save me and I am spared

His beautiful arm is bloody and cut off
His heart ripped out to show me he loved me
But I would'nt believe him
He did all that he could, I still would not believe him

I left his arms empty and tied
Outstretched for me until he died
I left his arms empty and tied
Outstretched for me until he died

No man shows greater love
Than when a man lays down his life for his beloved

I left his arms empty and tied
Outstretched for me until he died
I left his arms empty and tied
Outstretched for me until he died

And here I'm alive
And I don't have the right
He gave me the right costing him his life
New mercy's in the morning

I believe, what if I believe you now?
Could it ever change this?
Forgive me, don't leave me
And please come back to life

I believe, what if I believe you now?
Could it ever change this?
Forgive me, don't leave me
And please come back to life
Come back to my life

I believe, what if I believe you now?
Forgive me, relieve me
Please come back life

This is my song...

As I crash and burn...

Osama Bin Laden is dead

And what I've deduced from what she just told me, if I died right now, I'd be seeing him in hell..

Religion can be a heart breaker..

-Rafael

I Find..

Myself being more and more disappointed with my life.
And how little it seems I've accomplished.
And how the only person I need to impress now is myself.. That's who matters to me right now..

I think I deserve something good in my life,
I deserve to be proud of myself.
I deserve to feel like I matter, not brought down to feel like I don't.

I need a change, not in the present, but in the future..

I want to change.
I must change.
I will be the change.

-Rafael

No real title this time

I think I might start blogging again..
Figured too many thoughts go unspoken and more so, unwritten.

I have to accept that I am going to get hurt
I have to accept that there is no going back
I have to accept that I may not make it through this

But I'm ready, now more than ever.

"I know what's best for me
But I want you instead."

Such a flow of tears

I can't seem to stop them.
No matter how many times I rub my eyes and tell myself to stop, I can't stop the crying.

I am the poster child of a tragic hero.

Not so minor...

I haven't been cut up this badly since I first started being with her,I lost count..
For some reason this flesh won't bleed..

All I ever wanted to do was to make her see what I did, and prove to her that what I felt was true. But it didn't do anything.. it blew back at me and everything I thought I did right, just proved me wrong.

Love, is something I thought I could do right, the only thing I thought I could do right, but I can't..

I don't think I ever could.
I don't know what's left for me.
I don't know what will be left of me in the morning,

I can barely type this, my arms have gone weak,

I love you.

-Rafael

Minor Meltdown

I did it again yesterday, after almost 3 months without doing it.
I'm ashamed of what I'm doing with my body, for what? For relief? Or for self punishment? I don't know..
4 more cuts to go to the tally board on my arm...

I just want peace, in mind, in body, and in spirit.
I want it, not just for me, but for her too.

I hate myself,
So goddamn much.

-Sleep No More

I Might

Be normalizing now, back to an old state.
I've finally started to write poetry again and I'm hoping that I'll be able to finish some things I started so long ago.

I want to break out, it wants to break out,
And for the first time, I think I'll let my mind go free.

Let's try this again, shall we?

-Rafael

I'm so afraid...

That I'll end up alone in this world.

It's funny

Listening to someone elses religious beliefs. Especially someone that you love dearly.
Nothing weighs the mind more than knowing that your significant others belief says that because of the way you think, you're going to go to hell.

I accept whatever fate God grants me.
Heaven or Hell
Or something in between.

I will always be myself.

-Rafael

The Knife

I can't believe it crossed my mind again, I actually considered using it if I messed up or did something wrong.

I keep thinking that the only way to make things right is to punish myself.
The only way to make anything right is to suffer.

I know I shouldn't have these thoughts, I don't want them, but I can't seem to stop them.

If I can't make someone happy, if I can't hold a meaning in this life, then why am I still here?

It's just more poisoned thoughts...
-Rafael

Temptations and poisoned thoughts

Those are what flood my mind.

I stare at this bottle and all I want is a sip, a taste, to forget the pain again.
I clench my fists and all I want is the pain, a punch, to get rid of these thoughts.
I don't know why I have such a loathing for myself,
Or rather, I don't know what part of me has a loathing for myself.

I think it's because of all the people I want to save, of all those I want to protect, I can't save or protect her.

There's the part of her that I love, but...
There's also the part of her that I'm almost repelled by: the immature,sex driven, attention yearning person.
I know she's the way she is because of her past but, I just.. wish the past could disappear, and a clean slate could be started. I believe it's possible, but it's not me who has to move on, it's her..

"What's your idea or image of the perfect girl, the one you want to be with?" -Ivory

I'm ashamed to say I didn't tell her what I was really thinking.
Might as well write down what I wanted to say...

This is my list of qualities I'd want in a girl:
-She has self respect for herself
-She can make me smile
-She loves me,for me
-She trusts me
-She can be herself around me
-She let's me help her
-She asks for my help
-She says I love you, not "Love you" or "Love ya" but "I" love you.
-She accepts who I am, and understands who I was
-She gets me through the day
-She can open up to me
-She doesn't mind how I look
-She is someone that I can not only live with, but someone I can't live without
-I love her, for her
-I can be myself around her
-I can trust her
-I think she's beautiful
-I can make her smile, and laugh
-I find her beautiful, in more ways than one
-I get her through her day
-I can actually do something for her
-I can open up to her

I never thought

I'd despise myself this much.
I'd be disgusted with myself.

I hate this body,
I hate these emotions,
I hate so much.

But most of all I hate how much it makes me question what love is
And why the hell I can't love or be loved like I wish I could.

My looks are bad,
My talents are worse,
There is nothing special about me.

I'm just an old broken toy,
From since I was born that's what I was.

Can someone please...
Please...
Just fix me.

-Rafael

My Biggest Flaw

Is how much I compare myself to other people.
And how insignificant that makes me feel.

I hate these stupid tears.

"Don't be surprised if she doesn't talk to you... for a year or two"

That's what I was told today about you.
Feels so bitter for both of us to stop communicating with each other again.
This time it won't be for a few months.
This time I don't know where I'll be or who I'll be or how I'll be when we speak again.

I hope the words weren't true,
But I have to accept that they might be..

I love you,
Loser Buddy.

-Rafael

Seems as though

Looking back, I've fallen a long ways of who I used to be.
But as far as I've fallen, I've risen up as well.

Things are in a new perspective for me now, it feels as though I've become more self sufficient than before, especially since I've lost so many people recently.
Since I could no longer get or ask for help, I had to figure things out on my own, and now it's becoming the only way I can get by. I tried helping and got slammed to the ground for failing.

So now failure is what I accept, and success what I strive for.
I will pull myself off the ground, with or without your help.
I will graduate, with or without your help.
I will go to college, with or without your help.

I will pass on to the next life
With or without you here.

But it's so much easier with you here.

-Guardian

It's so stupid

When you can't live one single, stupid past emotion down.
Yes, I had feelings for another girl, big whoop.

Guess what? You're the girl that I love, the girl that I'm IN love with!
The girl whom I give my all for each and every single day of my life.
The girl that I've managed to keep a relationship longer than I ever could with anyone else.

Realize that I love you.
Before the love fades away...

-Rafael

One Mission

This is what my driving force will be,
Regardless of the people that remain in my life,
Regardless of the obstacles I will overcome.

This is what I'm going to die for,
This is what I'm going to fight for,
What I'm going to live for,

Love

Another Pain

I must now keep tacked on to my heart.

I'm sorry Loser, I'm so sorry.

Nothing is right anymore...

-Nothing

Night 4

Again, again this happens.
I'm sick of this.
I'm sick...

What the hell is wrong with me,
Do I really feel this inadequate?
Am I really this torn up?
I want this pain to end, but...
It just won't end.

-Rafael

3rd Night

In a row this has happened.
I break down crying hysterically, for reasons I don't fully comprehend.
Tears drip off my face, the darkness begins to consume me,my arms wrap themselves around me in comfort, but none of it helps.
I hit myself in the chest, right above my heart, trying to stop this pain.
For the first time in a long time I actually considered ending my life a couple days ago. The thought has subsided, but while lying on the floor today, I asked myself a question, and it's been weighing heavily on me...


"Am I worth saving?"

-Guardian

I'm don't know why

I feel this deep pain in my chest.
It pierces my very soul, my very being.

I'm not sure who I am anymore, who this person in the mirror is.
What happened to the good I used to do?
What happened to the purpose?
What happened to the hope?
What happened to the dreams?
What happened to me...

Ivory Dominy

5 more days till it's been 4 months with you, longest relationship I've held together, barely, but still together.

I love everything about you, otherwise I wouldn't have held on this long.

I love your blue eyes and the way you look at me with them.
I love your smile and how it always coaxes one out of me.
I love your fingers intertwined with mine and how they warm my heart.
I love the way you give me purpose and how I manage to trek through my day by the simple thought of seeing you at the end of it.
I love holding you and the feeling of belonging it gives me.
But most of all, I just love you, for you.

Here's to you, here's to us.

-Rafael

"I'm sorry you can't trust me"

Yeah, and I'm sorry you broke my trust.
I'm sorry that you've lied to me, hidden things from me, and sugarcoated the truth just to spare my feelings.

I get it, you don't want to hurt me, but you do anyway.
The thing is, you hurt me more by trying to lessen my pain.

You put yourself in situations where guys can try things with you and you lie to me by sugar coating the events that took place.

You say that if the same happened to me, you wouldn't care, but you have to realize that the reason why is because you haven't been put in that situation, why? Because I'm not stupid enough to place myself in a situation where someone of the opposite sex could coax me into cheating. I have the self control, I have the mental power, something I had to build. You show very little sign of self control, or an attempt at it.


These all just more mindless thoughts, I'm exhausted....
I need a warm body to hold and hold me back.

Peace never seems to exist.
-Bruised Guardian

I love and I hate

How she plants this smile on my face.

This Love

Has taken it's toll on me.

But mainly shame

Not sure what's going on with me now,
My mind and body are in a flurry.

I'm fluctuating between hope and pain.
Hope that things will work out,
Pain that things probably won't.

It feels like it will all end within the next few days, or within the next week.
I keep praying, screaming in my head, asking God to please make this work.

To please heal her
So that in turn I can be healed too.

My life feels too insignificant, especially if I can't help her..

This is going to destroy me and I'll have to rebuild like I always do.
But this time I'm not so sure if all the pieces will fit the same way again...

I don't know who I'll become when this is over.

I just hope it won't be over, that things will work, that I won't feel the pain and loneliness anymore..

Pray, Wish, Cry

-Falling Guardian

Some Agony

It's sad how this song is what I'll listen to when we break up.
-------------------------------------------------------
When I get home you're so dead by Mayday Parade


The words are coming I feel terrible
Is it typical for us to act like this
Am I just another scene
From a movie that you've seen 100 times
Cause baby you weren't the first or the last or the worst
And I've got to fill the blanks in the past with a verse
And we could sit around and cry but frankly you're not worth it anymore

[Chorus:]
So say hello to all the boys at the top of this table that you're under
Lipstick lullabies
This is sorry for the last time
And baby I understand that you're making new friends
This is how you get by
The moral this time is
Girls make boys cry

On any other day I'd shoot the boy
But your simple toy
Had caused a scene like that
Leave him hanging on the walls
Just a picture in the hall
Like 100 more
Consider this as a gift as you taste him on your lips
And he's making you scream with his hands on your hips
I hope he's leaving you empty baby this is just a fix
For such a simple little whore

[Chorus]

And your name remains the same
All that has changed is this pretty face
So pull the trigger
It never gets closer
You want to start over
But never start over

Pull the trigger
It never gets closer
You want to start over
but never start over

[Chorus]

Say hello
Say hello

Lipstick lullabies
This is sorry for the last time
And baby I understand how you're making new friends
This is how you get by
The moral this time is
Girls make boys cry and...

I really need to start meditating again.
As well as writing and finishing new poems/songs.

There is a lot I'd like to rekindle from my past, but it's difficult to restart the flames I once had burning in me.
Starting completely new ones is even harder.

I despise this permanent feeling that resides in me, the feeling that I can never mean the world to someone. That I lack a meaning. A part of me knows that this isn't true but there is still another part that believes it.

I'm having another anxiety attack right now, dammit I hate when she makes me feel like shit. I hate when I feel worthless to her. I hate it I hate it I hate it!
I feel like all I do is screw up, I feel like I can't do things right.

My tears soak my face.
I feel so alone........

-Falling Guardian

Atropaia

I'm not sure who you are exactly, but I feel as though I do at the same time.

I thank you, for the kind words you left me.
And I hope I might be able to get some insight on you, since, well, this blog has so much on me and yet I know so little about you.

Thank you, once again.
It's nice knowing someone else out there cares.

Till next time.

-Rafael

Panic

These anxiety attacks I keep getting are ridiculous.
My heart never seems to stop racing, my stomach never seems to stay settled, my tears never seem to stay in me, my whimpers never seem to quiet.

The smallest thing sets me off,
And when I contain it, I feel worse.

I need rest, but can't seem to get it...
Nothing is soothing anymore it seems.

I hope seeing Ivory tomorrow might help,
In some way, shape, or form..
I need some internal peace

On another note however...

I should be getting my driving permit issued tomorrow after school, which is a big deal. By the time I graduate I should have my license, which opens new doors for me. I'll be able to go out to different places. I'll be able to do more...

We've all got love scarred hearts

The Last Fight

I don’t wanna stand beside you
I'm don't wanna try and feel the pain you're going through
Till the death you’ve seen this through.

Cold sweats, hallucinations
I wanna scream to show
The hell I'm going through,
The addiction's taking you.

Can you see me through bloodshot eyes (bloodshot eyes)
Should I fight for what is right or let it die?
Now I'm choking on force fed lies
Do I fight or let it die?

Chorus
I will fight, one more fight
Don't break down in front of me.
I will fight, one more fight
I am not the enemy.
I will try one last time
BFMV Lyrics
Are you listening to me?
I will fight, the last fight
I am not your enemy.

Everyone is sick of caring
No silver lining on the cloud that covers you
Let it pour and soak you through.

No hope, just desperation,
So sit and wait for death
And pray it takes you soon.
The addiction's taking you.

Can you see me through bloodshot eyes (bloodshot eyes)
Should I fight for what is right or let it die?
Now I'm choking on force fed lies
Do I fight or let it die?

Chorus
I will fight, one more fight
Don't break down in front of me.
I will fight, one more fight
I am not the enemy.
I will try one last time
Are you listening to me?
I will fight, the last fight
I am not your enemy.

Can you feel me through bloodshot eyes
(through bloodshot eyes)
Should I fight another night or let it die?
Now I'm choking on every lie.
Do I fight or let it die?

Chorus
I will fight, one more fight
Don't break down in front of me.
I will fight, one more fight
I am not the enemy.
I will try one last time
Are you listening to me?
I will fight, the last fight
I am not your enemy.

I am not your, not your enemy!
I am not your enemy.


Do I fight or let it die?